Bram Joker's A Comedy of Terrors!
by UltimateDreamLeagueHQ
Summary: An anthology comedy/horror series using Disney characters in out of character situations. Ever wondered what it'd be like if a princess was a man-eating creature from some lagoon? Want a toy (horror) story? Then welcome to the Wonderful World of Thrills, Chills, and Awkward Humor! This is a silly thing meant to be a "Happy Halloween." Have a fun and safe Halloween, everybody! Oooo!


**BRAM JOKER'S**

**A COMEDY OF TERRORS!**

Written by Joseph Label

Based on characters created by The Walt Disney Company and concepts by Universal Pictures

**WARNING: This is an anthology fic with different sketches and shorts. While using Disney characters, this fic has a maximum rating of M for fantasy violence, blood, murder and morbid humor. There will be no explicit sexual content whatsoever or strong adult language, but I feel that this work, silly as it is, is not meant for young children. That said, some chapters might be more T than M, but M is just the safety precaution. There, my ass is covered!**

**Each story either belongs in the same pre-established universe or a completely separate tale with no relation to what came before. Unless specified or made obvious, each chapter doesn't follow continuity. This is a silly thing not meant to be taken seriously.**

**This is my "Halloween treat" for y'all for 2014, but it'll continue sporadically afterward. Hell, maybe it'll just become a thing annually updated for each October. We'll see.**

**Again, this is not for little kiddies! Readers are strongly cautioned about the graphic nature of this nightmare…**

"Kiss the Girl"

Eric, a handsome young man whose kindness was as plain as his dimples, could have had any girl he wanted. He happened to pick a pleasant farmer girl named Mildred. They spent a whole day in town, but the night filled the air with romance. The urge was overpowering; though neither said it out loud, both clearly wanted a more intimate relocation.

They were completely isolated from the land. He rowed his date and himself on a simple boat, an oar in each hand. Farther and farther he pushed them away from civilization. They gently flowed through the bayou, and the only light they had was Eric's oil lamp.

But that was the only light he needed, just to see her lovely face.

"I had a wonderful day, Eric," Mildred said. Her eyes nearly sparkled under the dim yet piercing glow.

"Heh." He stopped rowing and leaned back to rest. "Me, too. You're a lot of fun."

They both fell quiet for a few moments before they started talking at the same time. She covered her mouth and laughed in embarrassment, while he rubbed his cheek and grinned. "Sorry, you go first."

"No, no! Go ahead." She smiled.

"I was just… uh… Mildred?"

"Yes?"

"Will you…?"

Her head tilted downward slowly. "… Will I…?"

Neither of the lovebirds saw it, but a few large bubbles trickled up from the water and burst to the surface. Something was there below.

Eric grinned, feeling more confident than before. "I was just thinking, today was so great… we should do it again sometime."

Mildred's face lit up. It wasn't the _exact _thing she wanted to hear, but it was progress! "Oh! Yes, that would be nice—_will _be nice. Haha!" She subtly gripped her knees, blanketed by the skirt of her dress.

"Great!" Eric stared at her and zoned out.

Mildred opened her mouth to say something, but the boat rocked. It wasn't enough to overturn the thing, but it caught both off guard. "What was that?" she asked.

"Probably just a gator or something—"

"A _gator_?!"

"Yeah… or…" He suddenly realized that his bedside manners were the pits. "_No_, it was a fish! There's a lot of big ones. But they're not dangerous."

"That's good to hear… even if it's just a placebo." She calmed herself and chuckled. "Anyway, uh…"

"You got something to say?" Eric raised his right eyebrow. It was bushy and black.

"I love you," Mildred blurted. Even she was thrown for a curve when she realized what she said. "AH!"

Eric jumped up. "Whoa!"

"Sorry! I'm sorry. I—"

"No, hey! Don't worry! Because—"

"I just had so much fun today, and I've known you for some time, and—"

"It's okay! I love you, too."

"And you're so nice and wonderful, and you're—you what?" Her mouth hung open.

"I love you, too. We should go out more. And… go… steady?"

"Oh, _Eric_!" She leaned forward to kiss, but just before her lips reached his the boat rocked again, but this time it was worse. "Eric! This is has got to be a _huge _fish!"

Eric hated the jarring mood changes, but the persistent rocking scared any annoyance out of him. "Maybe it _is _a gator!"

"WHAT?!"

"Mildred, rela—AAHHHX!" He lost his footing after another violent quake. "What's happening?!"

She screamed as the boat overturned and both plunged into the water. "ERIC!"

The light was washed out of existence. Eric crashed into the water and couldn't see a thing. He heard gargled screaming and large strokes, but then the screaming stopped. It took him a moment to figure out where was up and where was down. He swam back up to the surface and gasped for air as he moved his arms and feet to stay up in the open air. "Mildred! _Mildred_!"

"I'm on the boat," Mildred's voice said. "I got it back up. Where are you?"

"Here!" Eric paddled after the voice and felt the boat. He hoisted himself back on and scrambled to his seat. "… So. That happened."

"Hehehe." He couldn't see her face, but the very faint outline and her voice were proof that she was there. "At least we don't have to wash up tonight."

"Heh. Yeah." Eric grinned. "I didn't know you're a great swimmer! You got back on so fast."

"I'm an _amazing _swimmer, Eric," Mildred said. "Better than you can imagine."

Eric's smile faded a little. "Did you see what knocked over the boat?"

"I think I know," the shadowed lady said. "But you don't have to worry about that anymore. It's not there anymore—I mean, not that I could see."

"All right, then." He felt romantic again. "Wanna try again? For the kiss?"

The voice sounded like it hungered for him. "Oh, _Eric_…"

It was their second chance for a romantic kiss. They leaned to each other but then there was a bump against the boat. "What now?!" Eric looked overboard.

"What is it?" Mildred asked.

Eric thought he saw something. He reached and grabbed a lot of hair. Human hair. "What?!" He pulled up a head that was missing a body… which was already freaky as hell, but his eyes couldn't lie: when he brought the decapitated head closer to his vision he could see it was—"_Mildred_?"

"Hehehe." The thing at the end of the boat started giggling.

"MILDRED!" He started to cry as he, in his panic, held the head close. "Oh, GOD! Mildred! You—" Realizing he carried a head, he shrieked and threw it backward. It made a loud splash behind.

The imposter continued laughing, and gradually her voice changed from mimicking the (ex) lover to her natural speaking voice: disarmingly feminine and young, but mischievous and cruel, the teenager from hell. "Eric, it's rude to throw away a woman's head."

"Who're you?!" Eric was ready to jump off and swim away like he never swam before.

"Ariel. I _was _Mildred a minute ago, but… hehehe!" She giggled loudly, her total disregard of human life overbearing.

"That's NOT funny!"

"… In your opinion, I guess. But you're having a name change right now."

"What?"

"You used to be Eric. But now… you're _Dinner_."

Eric had no time to think. She sprung on him and he crashed to the bottom of the boat. The oars were missing, which was _bad _because he could've used it. He could have used it to prevent her from making a big cut across his chest and drawing blood, which did happen. He grabbed her arms and felt scales and crocodilian spikes. He literally took a kick in the dark and kneed her belly.

"Ow!" She shouted that more out of shock than real pain, and in her surprise her hands released him.

Eric still couldn't see her, but he felt claws and wasn't happy about them. He dove overboard and into the water, and he stroked as fast as he could. His feet crashed down on the water and made splashes everywhere.

And it only took about four seconds before he realized how terrible his plan was. She obviously lived in the water and could swim better than any human. But he just kept swimming, not stopping. He knew he had to live. He had to survive. He didn't need the light to reach safety.

But he probably needed light to avoid the rock he crashed into. His head throbbed and he was out of breath. He swam behind (or not, he couldn't really tell) the rock and tried to keep still. He waited.

"… Twenty-eight. Twenty-nine. _Thirty_!" The killer was so giddy. "Ready or not, here I come!" There was a splash, and the boat rocked a little before the air was hit with the worst thing imaginable: _dead _silence.

Eric shouted against his better judgment. "You're a monster!"

She taunted. "_No_! Really?"

"And you killed Mildred!"

From where she was, she grimaced and dangled her forked tongue. _Seriously? That was her name?_

He counted his blessings before the end. He knew he was screwed. "You're not gonna take me without a fight!"

He heard sloshing from somewhere, and then… the most beautiful voice ever. The voice was unlike any soprano he heard back at home. It was powerful and young, full yet light at the impossibly same time. It was the voice of an angel. And it took hold of him.

Eric opened his eyes and illuminant pinpoints formed in his pupils. The golden dots controlled him and lured him to the siren that patiently waited.

The Siren could see him. She caught her meal, now she just had to melodically reel him in. If Eric was conscious (she had no idea, but it didn't concern her) then he would finally see his predator. That's because as she sang her neck glowed with the voice within clearly visible. It fluctuated with each note.

Her unrevealing anatomy and body shape were surely feminine, but she wasn't human. She was somewhere between woman and fish, and her dominant colors that could be seen under the dim glow were green and purple. Most of her armored skin (with crocodilian spikes) was green in various dark shades, but the scales on her belly were purple. She had dark red frills on and around her head which gave the impression of hair, and they had the graceful texture of seaweed. Her hands and feet were webbed and purple, but the claws were fatally sharp and long. Even her turquoise eyes were more like a monster's than human.

She was Ariel, the Siren of the Bayou. And dinner was about to be served.

She grinned, her sharp teeth and reptilian tongue salivating with the last note of her song. "Sorry, Eric. A girl's gotta eat."

And his nose was the first thing she ate. It wasn't until his right arm did he die at last.

Once she had her fill, the creature took whatever body parts were left and swam away. "Daddy's gonna _kill me _when he finds out I did this alone. He's so stubborn!" She mumbled to herself like a teenager. "But… _Mildred_? I did her a favor." She giggled wickedly.


End file.
